Today is February 17th. A pretty awesome day outside for mid-February. It’s also been 3 months since November 17th. That day was a sharp contrast to today. Some of you who know me will connect the dots, but if you don’t it has been 3 months since my mom passed away.
These last 3 months have been filled with a lot of hurting but also a lot of healing. It is often said that time heals all wounds. I don’t think that is very accurate but I do realize that time creates distance from all wounds. Talking with a friend the other day about my spiritual journey and I have to admit it is hard for me to understand where I am because things are pretty different now. Here is a raw dump of confessions.
I still listen to the voicemail on my phone from Mom.
I still begin to call her number to see how she is doing before realizing she won’t answer.
My 4 yr old began crying randomly at bedtime the other night because she missed her Granny.
My 14 yr old still wears her Granny’s wedding ring to remember her.
I saw someone the other day that startled me because she looked like my mom.
I have a different and better understanding of how to be there for people when tragedy hits. It has made me a better pastor.
I get paralyzed by grief more than I would care to admit.
I realize anew how blessed and rich I am.
Jesus is all that matters. He makes all things new and He makes everything beautiful in its time.
In my desire to grow and be more like Jesus, the unchartered waters ahead in my life cause a lot of anxiety. He is also patient with me, waiting and walking with me through this growth period. Sometimes I feel really guilty for feeling this way when I realize in places like Haiti death is constantly knocking on the door of every family. Famine, disease, unclean water, etc. are daily circumstances that have to be dealt with.
To be honest, I have thought a lot the last few months about how ready I am to go home-to heaven. I long to see Jesus, to not deal with life here anymore, to just mail it in. To put it bluntly I just want to give up. But then again, I really don’t want to give up. I want to see Jesus become more apparent in my life. I want to be able to say I have endured and embraced suffering for Him and to have sacrificed for His Kingdom. So many things going through my mind but to sum it all up, I would just use one word. Thankful.
